Sunday, November 8, 2009

a toddler's tirade

the last many months have been fun watching luke (2) grow. we celebrated his birthday at the airshow (photos and birthday letter to come) and he loved it. he's talking more and i can almost have a conversation with him. almost.

along with his new love of words come more choices and opportunities to assert his preference will. and stubborness. which leads to more battles of the will. luke, honey, mommy and daddy always win.

this morning five minutes before we were ready to walk out the door to church, my baby (who clearly isn't a baby anymore) disobeyed his daddy. i don't remember what he did originally, but on his way to time out, he threw a fit. in our house, throwing a fit while being disciplined in time out is a spanking. so, michael calmly explained what was about to happen. and the boy was properly spanked. y'all, he would not calm down. all he had to do was sit on his bottom and he refused. the child was spanked several times before he consented to daddy and we were late to church.

the fit-throwing is hard to stop in a two-year-old. he doesn't understand enough yet. all he knows is that the big person in his life isn't letting him have his way. he's developmentally ego-centric, so all he understands is the world as it relates to him. when he doesn't get his way, a fit ensues.

this summer, i was the toddler throwing the tirade.

spiritually speaking, that is.

i wasn't getting my way and God was going to hear about it. i wanted for michael to have found a job and for us to have moved by the end of july. i wanted to be settling into our new home when ava made her appearance. every time a potential job fell threw, i found myself kicking and screaming at God.

not literally, but still throwing my own little tantrum.

just like luke isn't capable of understanding the full picture of his life as i see it, neither am i able to understand the full scope of our life through God's perspective.there are lots of reasons i don't let luke have his way. sometimes, what he wants isn't healthy. the boy loves dumdums and if that's all i gave him, or if i gave one to him every time he asked, he'd get sick.

sometimes, luke doesn't get his way because his choice is dangerous. i've shrieked at him calmly called his name as he was about to put a key in an electrical outlet. his choice could have killed him.

sometimes, he doesn't get his way because i have something for him that i know he'll love even more. but he can't even imagine what i want to give him. on his birthday at the airshow, luke had tons of junk food. at one point, i need to refuse him a dumdum because i knew what was coming later that afternoon. a birthday cupcake. i wanted him to be able to enjoy the cupcake to its fullest, so i didn't let him eat something else that would have potentially taken away the joy of the cupcake.

but luke can't understand those things. all he knows is that he hasn't gotten his way. michael and i are trying to teach luke to trust us. we want him to firmly believe that we have his best interest at store and that we long to bestow wonderful things on him. what father doesn't want to shower his child with gifts, right?

this past summer, God kept telling me no everytime i turned around. every potential job. every new opportunity. like luke, i can't imagine what God has in store for me, and in middle of july, it was hard to believe that whatever He has planned is good. all i knew is that i wasn't getting my dumdum. i was struggling to deeply trust the Father-heart of God.

like most of you, i still have a lot to learn about trusting God's goodness and waiting for His plan to play out in my life. but, unlike luke, i've learned (in this situation) to stop throwing a fit and to sit on my Father's lap and allow Him to hug me. and to listen to Him whisper in my ear that He loves me and that everything is going to be okay.

and it will. becaus what Father doesn't want to shower his child with gifts. right?


  1. It brings back memories. History does repeat itself.

  2. your card came today. it brought a smile to my lips and tears to my eyes. when i was done reading and rereading, i had such a strong desire to hug you and cry on your shoulder. thank you for loving me and my daughter. we are blessed to have friends like you.
    missing you...